I am made this page as I realise how damaging and difficult this experience is for the partner of an addict. The content here talks to the partner of the addict or to both, but not the addict – please look to al the other areas of my site for more information that will offer guidance and hope to you.
Also, I am not a counsellor, therapist or expert, just a addict in recovery working through a lot of self discovery and consequence of addiction. What I say here is in no way a promise that everything can be fixed – it is more to help in this initial moment of discovery and to help you make a more informed decision about what this means for your relationship.
For you, the partner….
Up until you discover your partners addiction, you may think that something is wrong or not have any clue. Discovering this secret and the ugliness that comes with it rocks the foundations.
Discovery and recovery from addiction is a challenge for both the addict and the partner of the addict. Each of you is going through something terrible and each of you will try to make it through in your own way, hopefully being able to support and understand each others needs and natural emotions and fears that will surface.
You may need to leave your partner because of the damage, but maybe if you do your own research, your own therapy, your own work on the relationship you may find that there is something more than simple betrayal going on and you may choose to see the partner you loved – but this is not easy and if your partner who may be an addict isn’t changing their ways and showing that they are trying you might need to end it for your own sanity.
From my own point of view and through the research I have done I can share with you that the partner you knew before the discovery (D-Day) is the person they still are. For me I would describe myself as a deeply loving husband, highly supportive to my wife, thoughtful, putting in lots of effort around birthdays and anniversaries to recognise her uniqueness.
Acting out through the porn addiction goes against everything I believed in, my sense of right and wrong, my love and loyalty to my wife – the type of person all my friends and family know me to be – but yet it still happened – whilst you may read debate about whether this addiction is real – I can assure you that I can’t explain the feeling of compulsion, how automatic behaviour becomes and the cycles of addiction that matches alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholics, shopaholics etc… without it being an addiction itself.
Just one search on the internet will show you how many people are experiencing some form of problem related to porn “addiction”
I had a wife who was trying to go through this with me and the most progress has came when we were either sharing time with a counsellor or she was reading things that allow her to make her own judgement about what has actually happened and what has been going on.
For my partner, the journey was not one she wanted to stay on and we have since parted ways, a true consequence of addiction was the loss of the trust between us. I had no answer for her that she could tolerate to hear to help – the truth is the problem is complex, often born in childhood and normally surfaces when trying to sub-consciously suppress difficulties, leading to holding in emotions and growing resentment which in cyclical ways feeds the addiction which feeds the suppression which feeds the resentment which feeds the addiction.
Taken from ChristianCounselingwpa.com
For those that are still sharing that journey with an addicted partner then probably the first thing to try to find out more about; is that your partners addiction is all about coping with some form of emotional reaction that they can’t or wont face. This probably started when they were very young, and has continued for similar reasons throughout their life – they may not even have ever realised what they were doing and when it was at its worst they certainly had no control. Your partner is most likely trying to not hurt you, by hurting themselves by numbing themselves to the world through their addiction.
I realise now that after going through several layers with a therapist about why I acted out that it isn’t the obvious answer of because they wanted to. I found myself first saying it was because I felt lonely, then a sense of abandonment, then the effect on my self worth by my partner not being present – in the end most of it turns out that it is the anger around these feelings that I am suppressing and not wanting to hurt my partner by confornting her about her absence, which also connects me to the absences of my childhood, my first relationships etc….
Your partner will have something like this in their lives and if they can work through the layers they will become more aware and capable of beating the illness of addiction.
Each person that claims to be an addict, will need to do the hard work if they want to recover. I would have to say if your partner is not willing to put in the extreme effort, especially when recovery first begins then it would be very challenging for you to ever find your way through to carry on the relationship. If they are doing the work, then I hope you will look into what it means to be deemed an addict, to help with understanding and strengthen your compassion so that you can see the person, rather than the harm.
The first thing I want to share with you is this blog by a lady that has been in a relationship with a sex addict
Take a chance to visit this site where the person shares their own experience of being the partner of a sex addict – it’s a honest open account of her journey and finding her way back to a successful relationship with her sex addict husband- you can read her blog or add her on twitter:
living with a sex addict blog or find her on twitter : lifewithaddict
Quote from one of her blog posts:
“I got really into the role of being the deceived one, the oblivious little fool. I was indignant, outraged, and so sorry for myself that I couldn’t see the marriage clearly at all anymore. Later, I came to understand that, while there was a lot of deception and pretense sprinkled throughout our union, it was a disservice to call the marriage a “sham.” We were still ourselves, our genuine loving selves; whatever had happened because of addiction did not take that away.”
Here are some more places to educate yourself or seek support;
So here I will place anything that I hope will be of help to any partners of a porn addict. This may be links or videos or anything.
- To start, I found this on line resource centre and whilst I have not gone through every page it looks to be quite a thorough site and whilst focused on sex addiction it does also relate to porn addiction.
Partner of sex addicts center (POSA)
“If you fear you’re losing your partner to sex addiction, porn addiction, strip clubs, webcam sex, escort services, fetish sites, massage parlors, hookup apps and married cheater sites, then we know how devastated you probably are. Or maybe he’s in recovery and you’re tired of being called a codependent instead of the betrayal trauma survivor you are. Welcome – here you’ll find the support you need”
- A great website – with some fantastic guidance – Nuturing Marriage
Frequently Ask Questions for Partners of addicts
- A video that explains how it becomes an ‘addiction’ and the escalation of the addiction behaviours.
I feel this helps explain how something as simple as looking at erotic images can overtime develop into a something much more.
- Explanation of the typical cycle of addiction
Understanding the cycle of addiction
“All addictions are cyclical in nature, with no clear beginning or end and one stage leading to the next (and then the next, and the next, and the next), leaving the addict stuck in an endless, downwardly spiraling loop.”
- Quitpornaoraphy is a good website for both the partner and the addict:
Quitpornography.org: How to help someone
- Video about the cycle of addiction and how it goes round and round
- Interesting video discussing helping long term recovery
Next Steps…
Depending on where you are mentally right now this may prove useful – some of these links will try to provide guidance on options, actions that can hold progress back, long term mental wellbeing and so on – they are mainly here to try and help people make good decisions about there future.
5 actions that can end a relationship
What I learn from my husbands sex addiction
Beyond Porn Addiction 